i do not love new york.

July 5, 2008 at 10:18 pm (Dreams, Life)
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Today has been strange.

It’s 5:47pm right now, but I swear that thirty minutes ago it was about 1pm. I woke up this morning nervous as hell. I don’t remember my dream at all — part of me wishes I did, but it’s probably better I don’t. You know that feeling you get when you’ve done something and now you’ve got to deal with the consequences, which won’t be good? That’s what I felt. No kidding, for about three hours I was stressing and my stomach was like this pit of nerves, and I have no idea what any of it was about. Not the best feeling.

I watched Ghost Hunters, and I am so in love with Steve. There’s something about a guy with a ton of tats who carries around a can of spider killer in creepy ass tunnels that’s incredibly attractive. On the flip side, I have Flavor of Love on right now for some inexplicable reason, and I don’t think there’s a man more disgusting on Earth than Flava Flav. I am nothing like those girls, needless to say, but I cannot even fathom letting him touch me, much less kiss me. I’d rather have Buffalo Bill rub the lotion on my skin than have Flav lay a finger on me. Ugh.

Finally, I am currently wallowing in a pit of despair over having ONE MORE DAY of vacation left. Technically, this isn’t even vacation anymore, it’s just my weekend. I didn’t accomplish much except excessive relaxing and chilling with friends. Which, in retrospect, is probably the point of vacation, so I don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t think I can feel anything right now besides despondent. Hey, but AT LEAST I HAVE A JOB, that helped a lot, mom.

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as i write this, i am smoking.

July 4, 2008 at 2:39 pm (Life)
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I started smoking because my friends did it.

There, I said it. It was in college, and it was probably the singularly most ignorant thing I’ve ever done in my life. I knew there was that threat of cancer or that ultimate fashion don’t, a tracheotomy. But I didn’t care! I made friends with the Hot Guy outside the dorm after classes thanks to cigarettes. Of course, he turned out to be an idiot and smoking turned into an addiction.

Lately I’ve started to hate everything about it. The cost, the smell, the cough, the fact that yes, every morning when I brush my teeth I feel the urge to cough up phlegm. Not to sound like a little kid, but IT’S SO HARD. I tried the patch, but I forgot I had it on and started smoking an hour later. Cold turkey seems the way to go, but I start to panic when I run low, like a damned drug addict. Which I guess is what I am.

My Grandpa died of lung cancer, which could have been fueled by his exposure to radiation in the Air Force, but he was a smoker. I remember visiting my Great Aunt at Kent Community Hospital where her roommate was in her late 30s and had emphysema; she was going to spend the rest of her life there. I don’t want that, but for some sick reason it’s not enough to make me quit.

I think I’m going to start cutting back until maybe the patch would affect me differently. No, I AM going to. This blog as my witness, starting tomorrow no smoking in my apartment. Like that whole “starting tomorrow” thing? The date is set, damnit, don’t give me shit.

By the way, Happy 4th! Tonight I’ll get my drink on to celebrate and swear at the people still setting off firecrackers at 3am. Crazy cat lady, what?

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this is new.

July 4, 2008 at 2:28 am (Life)
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It’s been awhile, internet.

I’ve been writing on myspace a little, which is a little embarrassing.  I can’t even refer to it as blogging, because it has basically just been me whining about various events in my life.  Not that this is going to be any different, but at least it’s an actual blog.  That I didn’t write any of the code for, but whatever.  When I get Photoshop on my laptop I’ll change it up a bit, but for now this’ll do.

I have been on vacation since 11:31pm, June 20th.  Prior to that, I was kind of concerned that I’d run out of things to do and grow bored, especially since the cash situation is tight at the moment.  Turns out, not even remotely.  Not being at work these past two weeks is probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

There are only two downsides to this vacation.  One, it ends on Monday.  Two, I have a lot of mosquito bites that are kind of driving me crazy.  Beyond that, it is just what I needed.  Except for one summer I “took off” I have worked since I was 13 and never taken two weeks in a row.  Fifteen years!  Insanity!  What was I waiting for?  Oh, right, a good job where I get a lot of vacation time.  I’ve been at my job eight years now (jesus christ) and despite it not being my childhood dream, it’s working out.  This is me talking myself up from my impending depression at going back soon.

I’m going to wrap up this little introductory post now, and just thank Rob for getting my lazy ass to blog again.  It’s still as cathartic as I remembered, even though I haven’t really said anything.  I’ll save that for my next one.

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